We spent three weeks state-side. Visiting friends and family. Which is always amazing, exciting, busy, exhausting, happy, and sad all rolled into one. And now we are back. We’ve been back for two days, well technically three, and already I am finding myself spiraling back into my old thought patterns and moods. I promised myself when we left that I would try to stay positive. But that quickly went out the window as I unpacked all our sh*t yesterday. Actually, that’s not true. I was doing alright until I went to the store.
Why would that be my trigger of all things? Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I left the store with two small bags of groceries that cost the equivalent of a weeks worth of food back home. Now, it’s not like I don’t know that where we live is expensive. But it was just one of those moments that frustrated me, one of those “things” that continually frustrates me about where we live, and that moment seemed to be my tipping point yesterday.
I lay awake last night well into this morning feeling depressed, questioning what I am doing here (not in a metaphysical “why do I exist” sort-of-way, but as in “what am I doing in this location on the planet” sort-of-way), questioning everything, missing home, and delving deeper into an overall sense of self-pity.
Yep, I said it. And I’ll own it. On the plus side, at least I recognize it.
As I sit here drinking my tea, writing this post, the birds have started to wake up. I can hear their chirping outside in the massive tree that grows between my complex and the next. And I can’t help but laugh at myself and think pratipaksa bhāvanam; which means: to contemplate on the opposite.
Am I struggling being back? Yes. Just because I’ve made this little realization on my own will it be easier? Not necessarily.
It is always difficult to leave places and people you love. I am sure I will have a few more “rough” days and/or nights, but I am thankful that we were able to go back, I am grateful for the time I had with each of my friends and family members. I may continue to have a few pity-parties here and there, I may cry, or get depressed, or even angry. But I will work towards working through it. And that’s the best I can do.